back luck in dates - Date #1
POSTED AT 10:12 AM

penangbabe

alright, more updates since previous post... i've been on 2 dates, really weird ones, one was with a college friend and another someone new

Date 1
now ever since i graduated and had a bf, i sort of lost contact with Kumar. i sort of got fedup with his cockyness in college, and full of himself back then, i couldn't be bothered in staying friends with him, though he was the only guy back then that i could swap porn! LOL weird right? (and yes i watch porn)

anyway since the breakup with the ex, i was going through my Friendster and found him and i thought, why not contact him again. if he's still cocky, then i'd ignore him as usual. so i sent him a message, he was surprised, we communicated (and yes, he asked if i still wanted to swap some porn with him.. hahahah same ol same ol) but this time, he was much matured and positive (maybe abit too much) and just grown a lil... still cocky in a way but not THAT much. so anyway, he too broke up a year or 2 ago and still doesn't have a gf and there i was single too, so we decided to go on a date. the date was a movie Drag me to Hell (1st sign on a bad date??) at 7pm and we were to meet at 6pm (meeting 1 hr earlier = dinner right?)

now on that day, i put a lil bit more effort in dressing up to go meet him. there i was waiting for him at 6pm. he didn't turn up. he message that he would be late - he was late 30 mins. STRIKE 1!! so i thought, ok, better hurry to get dinner (assuming we originally planned to meet 1hr earlier is to have dinner)...WHICH we didn't cause his MOTHER cooked for him at home and he had to go back to eat her food, so because of that he didn't want dinner with me cause he didn't want to spoil his appetite. duhh, mama's boy (why are guys such mama's boy? that's not macho u know!!)i was like uh? what the fuck? STRIKE 2!! so we went to the movie, tht time Transformers was playing, but he INSISTED on getting Drag me to Hell because he wanted to spook me, i was like uh? what?? and before watching the movie, i knew this movie was bad, and IT WAS!!!! STRIKE 3!!

now.. by the time the movie was over, i just wanted to go home, didn't want to see him at that moment and eat something, cause i was soooo hungry!! but before that, i had to drive him to his car, cause he doesn't like parking in multilevel parking lots (like L for looser) so instead he parked outside far away. STRIKE 4!!... and he wanted to follow me in his car to my hse so that he knows where i stay, which was alright. BUT when i was driving home, he was following me behind, he drives sooooooo slow!!!!! omg!!! worst than a girl and i think if my gma was alive she would drive faster than him!!! his reason? he likes to enjoy the ride, doesn't want to rush... (nowonder he was late) STRIKE 5!!

now i've reached STRIKE 5 right, and usually its STRIKE 3 and u're out right? yea, dun think i wanna get involve with him intimately, friends would be just enough.

i haven't met up with him yet since the date but we have been sms-ing. i think what we have is just friendship and casual flirting without any motives and i think i would like to keep it at that

so that's bad date #1

Feeling: nothing

crazy 3 months
POSTED AT 01:57 PM

penangbabe

i know i know i know... it's been a while since i blogged. my bad. just that i've been on a rollercoaster ride. was very emotional. one minute sad, depressed, then the other minute i was flipping with joy, good-type-nervous, then back to feeling like shit and thought of killing myself... yea... it's been hayvok!!

anyway.... how have u guys been? (btw i've STILL have not gotten laid yet... it's wat.. a year already?)

ok, where do i start? hmm.. the x i supposed.. yea i'm still on cold-turkey with him, not speaking to him, sms or email whatsover. but then there was one time when my schoolmate got married, i went for her wedding dinner and here comes her just-turned-husband singing OUR (me and the x) song on stage to my friend... and i was there, speechless and sort of pissed. why? BECAUSE the bloodyfool x was supposed to sing OUR song at OUR wedding!!! i actually smsed him (the x) about this and said i was feeling like shit. and he thought it was because my friends husband sang OUR song horribly. sheesh some guys just don't get it do they! i told him that THAT it's not the case!! the case is that HE (the x) was supposed to sing THAT song to ME at OUR wedding!!!... only after i posted this rant on the other blog and he read it, ONLY THEN he got it and apologized. dumb ass that fuck!

ok that was one time i broke the rule bout going cold-turkey....

then, out of the blue, out of no where, i get this email from my so-called-best-friend. saying that she's sorry, that she's gonna get married and want me to go for her wedding AND at the same time asking me how it is like being fat!! because, she has gained lots of weight and is the reason why she's so fucked up and pissed at me and wondered how i handled it because i'm fat all my life... wtf!! sheesh... and so because she replied making "peace" i smsed the x to let him know... he thought it was touching to hear that she came back to me.... yeah, whatever

and that's the second time i broke my rule again

then just recently, bout a few weeks ago, something came over me... i think its because of hearing another schoolmate is getting hitched that got me all emotional... i lost myself and sent a message to the x asking him if he ever regretted NOT asking me to marry, he replied saying that yes, he regretted that AND other things but he cannot dwell on it as he LOVES ANOTHER... this really got to me and i sacarsticly replied back that he HAS proved that he (and PEOPLE) can and has CHANGED cause now he rather love a MUSLIM than a CATHOLIC!! yes he has a malay gf... sheesh.. and he's a JEHOVAH WITNESS, now if WE (meaning me being a Catholic and HE a jehovah) couldn't make it then, how on earth would THEY (she being a MUSLIM and he being a jehovah) will work? damn it! he didn't reply but he did try calling me 2 days in a row - i purposely didn't answer. he can go fuck himself.

and as usual i felt like shit for EVEN bothering who he dates and love BECAUSE I was the one who left him... and it's ALREADY been 8+ months....

so, that's the end of the x, i HOPE, i MUST!!

Feeling: crappy

feelings = complications
POSTED AT 08:11 PM

penangbabe

can anyone actually pin-point exactly what you are feeling right now? i can't, not at this moment. i feel that i'm having multiple feelings all together at the same time.

like last night, out of the sudden, i felt sad and lonely in bed (and horny). then i started to panic and worry, that i'll be alone forever. that i'll never have sex ever! that i'll be old, grumpy and with a walking stick because right now, i'm not getting any guys interested in me. i start to wonder what is wrong with me. i cried in my pillow. then i had a huge urge to call the ex just to cry to him on the phone, to SHOW how much hurt he has caused (now i was feeling angry that he's the reason that i'm lonely), YET at the same time wanting him to say nice things to me and yada yada yada to make me feel better... but i know i couldn't and i MUST NOT. i had to be strong. so i didn't 

instead, i called Aaron and thought he would keep me company, but no, no reply from him, no texts from him. hopes dashed again and panicked again that i'll REALLY be alone till i grow old.

i KNOW and i BELIEVE that GOD has plans for me, that he WON'T let me be lonely, that i will find my other half, sooner or later, but i'm starting to loose patience. must be a reason for everything, HE must be teaching me a lesson, or that i have to learn a certain lesson only then he'll let me have a man. but in the mean time, it's really difficult.

i also KNOW that i have my friends but will they be OK if i call them at 2.30am? will they sing me lullabys on the phone so that i'll fall off to sleep? will they cuddle me? will they hold my hand without feeling awkward? no, i don't think so.

so with whatever vocabulary i have, i'll try to describe how i feel..
sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, impatient, curious, anxious, horny, guilty, negative, numb, blur, restless, tired, lousy

i'm very complicated uh?

Feeling: nauseated

what is actually a "best friend" ?
POSTED AT 01:14 PM

penangbabe

Pauline and i were best friends to school, we practically did everything together. Funny thing is we sort of have our own friends in school cause we were from different classes but the last 2 years of high school, we were in the same class. she stayed a block away from my hse and we would walk to each others houses to chill. we went to the same tuition centre, we celebrated each others birthdays, christmas and shared lots of laughter and tears.

after school, i went to persue IT and she went to another state to become a teacher. but during that time being apart we would still be very close and would meet up when she's back home or when i went there. she had her bfs, i was there when they broke her heart. i had mine, she was there for my first date. we were like soul mates - so i thought.

then it happened, her very long steady bf cheated on her with one of our juniors in school (yea, Penang IS a very small state)... she was devastated. because we had mutual friends, its quite difficult to address this issue. the bitch and her now-ex were also my friend. the "friend" who intro the bitch to the now-ex is also our mutual friend. so Pauline hates everyone, the bitch and the now-ex of course and the "friend". i swore i won't be friends with them too because Pauline is my best friend. but, what would i do with the "friend"? was it his fault for introducing the bitch to the now-ex? should i not be friends with the "friend" because of that? (but that's not the issue that i'm talking about here)

the problem is that, after Pauline left the now-ex for cheating on her, she went downhill, and I was not there for her. i did try talking to her on the phone, but didn't really have time to actually be THERE for her in person. i had my own issues. but when we DID meet, it was for Gwen's concert. it was just the 2 of us, catching up on times and listening to her. it was a good girls nite out - so i thought again.

she seemed ok. and that was MISTAKE #1, no one in their right mind would be OK when their other half is cheating on them. but I didn't see that. i took it lightly and didn't take it seriously - because she looked ok.

now when we met for the concert, she was already with another guy. i mentioned to our other mutual friends that she has found a NEW bf, which she heard of course and didn't like it - she didn't like me calling him NEW. and THAT was MISTAKE #2. Because i haven't seen her since it happened, she sort of gained weight. she used to be this petit, skinny beautiful girl, and when i saw her, she was still beautiful but with some extra weight. which looks fine cause i thought she was too skinny before. but i guess i didn't think properly i said abit too much about her weight - MISTAKE #3. (now in my defense, because we were "best friends" we said everything in our minds, so i thought she could take it when i did say something bout her weight, guessed not)

so because of MISTAKES #1,2,3. she got really mad at me, and stopped talking to me, stopped answering my calls and texts. she just cut me out from her life. and you have no idea how much that hurt me and i cried like nobody's business. it hurt more than loosing my bf.

then because i'm still friends with the "friend", and as usual he was invited to a party i held. Pauline saw pics of him at my party and she didn't like it AT ALL - MISTAKE #4. she said how could i still be friends with him since he's the reason for the cheating (cause he intro the bitch to the now-ex). i was shocked!!! she didn't want me to be friends with him!

now, with MISTAKES #1,2,3,4 i've been sending loads of apology emails, texts, hand written letters... but still nothing. now during these times, i was going through a hard time with MY ex. i was feeling lonely, desperate, negative and all that. and i've rant it out everywhere!

Here's her reply to all this. and with the looks of it, she has ended our friendship.
*in red are my notes

so my question is, do "best friends" do this? or do they go through all shit in life together, as long as they both know they mean alot to each other?

 

ps- did anyone cry? i did, when i wrote this...

Feeling: gloomy

busy busy busy
POSTED AT 07:38 PM

penangbabe

sorry guys for not updating, i know u've been checking this blog out off and on (but if you didn't, it's ok, not expecting you to). anyway, lots has happened and i feel much better, not as angry, not as negative, not as depressed as before. i guess i can say that i've picked up myself and started to move, do something with myself... but there IS always those cloudy-moody-hormonial days which somehow bring me back to feeling all shitty again. what i'll do is take a deep breath, tell myself "NO!" i'm not going back there again and go get ice-cream or pick my face or something!! hahaha just to get my mind off it!

so what's happened? well.... i told the ex off. i told him that we HAVE to go cold turkey, cut all ties, no calls, no sms-es, no emails, NOTHING whatsover, unless there's an emergency, he can call or (i suggested) get his sister to call me. i ALSO told him that the ball is in MY court, and it's up to me to keep in touch or not. i thank him for "waiting" for me to hit the ball and hopefully he'll still be waiting when i EVENTUALLY do HIT the ball and still want to be his friend. he did stop the communication, i have no idea if he's suffering or not (well he shouldn't, he got a GF right?!) and have no idea what he's been up to. don't want to know even. What i don't know, won't hurt me!

one of the reasons i got this strength was from CHOICE weekend organised by the Catholic Youth Diocesan. Yes, i FINALLY joined it and it was LOVELY, it really healed me and made me stronger person AND brought me closer to GOD! i really urge all single working adults to join this CHOICE weekend. i believe it's an international thing and is not only held in Malaysia but in other countries. So go ask your local parish priest if they know if CHOICE is being held in your parish or not.

other than CHOICE, i've decided to persue my long time dream/goal. to start a business selling my baking products! i'm only just starting to practice my cupcakes, the recipie and the icing and decoration. once that's perfect enough to be sold, i'll start on dessert pies like apple pie, berry pies and what not! then move on to others.. not sure what else. but yea, i've been getting good feedbacks on my cupcakes, on which areas i need improving. so like they said Practice makes Perfect! you can imagine the mess i made in my mother's kitchen! LOL

AND i've been adding more gym sessions, usually i'll just go 2-3 times a week, and just show my face at the gym. now i try to go 3-4 times and ACTUALLY work out till i sweat! lol i do feel much better though my trainer says that i don't sweat enough!! O_O no sweat=not exercising... like wtf!! i never sweated so much before!! but i guess what he says it's true cause when HE trains me, my whole t-shirt is wet! have no idea how that can happen! lol maybe i'm not pushing myself as much!

so yea, these 3 has been keeping me busy. plus there'll be future outings with the CHOICEes! 2 weddings to attend, few trips out of the state... yea man! it's gonna be a busy year i tell you!!

i feel great!!! except i still HATE my fucking job AND i still didn't get LAID yet! lol

i know, i'm a horny bitch!

Feeling: calm

can't you just LISTEN?
POSTED AT 11:53 PM

penangbabe

being someone whom ppl look to for an ear to listen, i expect them to be the same

yes, i admit i'm not taking this bloody break up well. i tend to WANT ppl to know about it AND to know how much i'm hurting. BUT, i'm doing this is because i need someone to listen, and NOT shoving a broken tape recorder to my face!

i KNOW the obvious ways to overcome this breakup

1) get busy at work ...i can't cause i hate my job

2) get busy by doing what i love, get a hobby.. yada yada yada...

3) spend time in the gym, workout, sweat, get a new body then u'll feel more confident and bla bla bla...

4) turn to GOD! ..yes, i had friends who DOUBTED my faith! wtf!!! that shows they don't really know me! ok just because i'm not preachy and i don't quote the bible as much, that DOESN'T MEAN that i don't have faith or that i don't believe in GOD!!

5) don't announce to the world in your blog and in FB that u're hurting, it will give ppl reason to judge you, speculate on you, gossip bout you... do you know WHY i do that? cause you're NOT LISTENING!

i could go on, but writing this makes me hear all their irritating voices all over again...

but PLEASE don't get me wrong, i KNOW they mean well, i KNOW they've got my back and i KNOW they care for me, but all i need is someone to LISTEN... that's all!!! is that so hard to ask for? just LISTEN!!!

Feeling: still very PISSED!

just had to... ruin my mood??!
POSTED AT 11:37 PM

penangbabe

the wonderful ex (that was a sacarstic tone..*rolls eyes*) announced to the FB world that he's "In a relationship" AND had put a pic of the GF sitting on his lap!! *gags*

(readers, did u get my tone? .. think bitchy blond type hahah)

why i'm pissed?

1) we had broken up now nearly 3 months, and he already had 2 gfs! this is his 2nd one... don't know what happened to the first... don't care!

2) he swore to me that FB, Friendster and all networking sites are for gays and thats why he deleted his Friendster and FB accounts, eventhough I told him that it wasn't for gays! and now? look who's on FB! putting up pics and declaring their love life? hmmm?

3) *Disclaimer: author is not being predjudice over religions He's dating a Muslim while he's a Jehovah Witness. I'm a Catholic. And if WE didn't work out because of religion, pigs will fly if THEY could! HAH!

4) he still wants to be my "friend" and will be there if I needed someone to talk to, eventhough he knows he's the reason i'm hurting by posting up stuff like that for me to see. like hello!!! you're the reason i'm feeling like shit, and u want me to talk to you?!!!

5) he posted it up on my last day of my trip, the day before i flew back... great way to end my holiday uh?

DAMN HE!!

Feeling: VERY PISSED!!